Hah! Grandparents.

My grandparents have been staying with us for slightly more than one week now, and so far, things seem to be okay. So far, they have yet to instigate that my father is making use of my mother (he’s a househusband) and, much to my relief, they don’t disturb me when I decide to retire to my room. I’m not too sure how long they’ll be staying though, but I did hear that it was going to be for a month. I do hope everything remains as well as it has been these past few days.

However, to be honest, I haven’t been as friendly as I used to be. Instead, I have been rather… well… distant, if you want to put it that way. When I was younger, I would put on this cute persona, speak in a higher voice than normal, and cling on to grandpa. Yet, every time I did it, I would feel this sense of disgust, as if I wasn’t behaving my own age. I’m supposed to be twenty two years old for crip’s sake, I can’t keep behaving like a kid everytime my grandparents are around.

So instead, I have been polite to them, but I have yet to actually go out in my way to be extremely welcoming. I would still greet them though, and answer their questions (though I admit that I’m extremely moody in the mornings, so that isn’t really such a good time to gauge my behavior; especially when my grandmother insists on breaking my train of thought), but so far, I haven’t been ‘cute’ towards them. I’m not sure whether my grandfather has noticed my change of behavior though; he’s still the same as ever, that is in-oblivious to most things.

What I really cannot stand though, is when my grandfather holds my hand, he would hold it as tightly as possible, and it really does hurt. I used to tolerate it, but for some reason my tolerance level has been a lot less than before when it comes to him, and last time he did it, I actually kind of snapped at him and told him that it hurt. He claims that he is ‘showing his love’, but I can’t tolerate it when he does that. I stopped holding his hand as well, so hopefully he knows that as well.

The problem is, though, that it really does hurt to see him like this. When I was much younger, he and grandma practically raised my brother and I, because both our parents were working full time. He placed a lot of emphasis on education; he would wake up at 5am every day to look through the dictionary and put the hanyu pinyin on every single word in my Chinese textbook, even though he barely speaks a word of Chinese. Everytime my parents take us over, he would always set aside work for us to do, and for some reason, I actually enjoyed myself whenever I was over there, even though we spent most of our time working.

Ever since he’s had his stroke, he hasn’t been the same again. I have a feeling that he still sees us as children, and he kind of expects us to behave as children as well. He cannot even remember our age, and the fact that we are not eleven or twelve year olds anymore. I have mainly good memories of my grandfather’s intelligence, and it really hurts to see him now. If this is aging, then I hope I would either be raptured first, or die before my brain starts to erode.

Yo!

Since it’s a whole new year, I’ve decided that I might as well start on a new blog. The problem with blogs though, is that I never actually keep one for more than a year. In fact, I have a few blogs scattered all over the internet, none of them really written in. The longest I’ve actually kept a blog would be around… at least three months, and that’s on livejournal under my real name. I might have continued writing in it if my mother hadn’t found it; I prefer to keep my privacy, and  I would rather avoid people I know reading my blog. Especially if I want to write about them.

Anyway, the main reason why I’ve started blogging again is because I need a place to vent. I’m normally rather quiet with my family, unlike my brother, mainly because every time I talk, my family members would tell me that I’ve already said what I had wanted to say, and I can never remember whether I told people certain information before or not. Hence, to avoid embarrassing myself any further, I’d rather not talk, especially if the information I have is not relevant to the topic at hand, and it seems that none of my family members are interested in the topics I’m interested in.

And, I do need a place where I can air my views, because if I don’t, everything will just build up, until I end up with a horrible mental condition or something (budding Psychology student here). If I keep everything inside, it would be much harder for my ego to balance my superego (where all my conscious thoughts gather, and that is where I would start to go crazy. It’s for my mental health, really, though I wouldn’t mind it if a similar-minded person came across my blog.

Which leads to my next point: quiet time. This is the second reason why I want to keep a blog. According to my pastor at Bartley Christian Church (even though I attend Wesley Methodist now, I’m still considered a member of Bartley, since I never officially transfered), it would be much easier to remember the blessings and teachings of God when I actually write it down and review it from time to time. It’s extremely tedious, yes, but my relationship with God is at an all time low right now. I’ve been an Agnostic before, but now, I feel I know too much to go back to what it was like previously, especially since I wasn’t very happy at all then. According to Switchfoot’s “This Is Home”, I can’t go back to what things were.

Either way though, my views on religion is still extremely shaky, so it would be better for me to write them all down that just keep them in my head, it’ll be much easier to track them. Just in case they change or anything like that, though I highly doubt they would.

So… what have I been up to? Not much really, except that today had been rather terrible. Not only did I wake up late for Molecular and Cell Biology, my overzealous immune system just had to act up in an unwarranted case of hay fever. During dinner, I was rather rude to my grandparents, though I did make it up to them later by being extra nice. Though for some reason what I said to them still resonates in my mind. Must be the guilt, I guess.

Anyway, it’s late now, and I have to go back to sleep. I’ll write more later in times to come.